Today, we should be telling you that, “Baby Bufkin will be here in October!”
I have written this a thousand times in my head. Every week a new chapter that feels like a nightmare that has to be re-written. I am not writing this for sympathy, but to share my story hoping that at least one woman will connect with it, and not feel alone. I know your pain; I know your wounds; I know that your greatest hearts desires have taken you through this season of heartbreak. As I have walked through this valley, I have learned so much about my faith, my marriage, my relationships, and myself. I have chosen to be vulnerable, transparent, and open. I believe that there is a bonding in our brokenness. Our tears are what connect us most to each other as human beings. “Those who refresh others will be refreshed themselves. Proverbs 11:25”
I am 1 in 4.
I have been described as “motherly,” for as long as I can remember. It seems so natural to me. Children were ALWAYS a plan for my future. Like clockwork, I was supposed to get married, and then have a baby right? That was MY plan, and oh, has God shown me so evidently that His plan and His will be done. I felt completely WRECKED, but I am not hesitant to say it has brought me exactly to where He needs me to be; on my knees, in prayer, in his word, and completely surrendered to Him. He has made His hand so apparent in this long, heartbreaking journey.
Miscarriage is hard. Infertility is hard. Having the deepest desire to simply be a Mother and having it fail is hard.
I am not going to share every small detail of our story; it seems like a constant wheel of emotions and heartbreak. Ten long awaited months later, with tears streaming down my face I ran into the living room and sat next to Trey with two pink lines. Absolute JOY consumed us, an emotion that hasn’t been present in my heart for a while. We couldn’t wait to tell our families. I began looking at and reading ALL of the baby things. Weeks later, those butterflies turned into physical pain. I knew something wasn’t right. Hearing the words on the phone from my Doctor, who confirmed, “this was a miscarriage,” I immediately fell into the arms of my Mom. Valentines day, a day that is supposed to be filled with so much love, had consumed me with the absolute most physical heartbreak I have ever experienced. When Trey got home, he just held me and we wept. The weeks following felt like a never-ending nightmare. I remember a distinct moment during this journey, sitting in a patient room and just praying to God. “God, I trust your plan. I trust this new, wonderful Doctor. I trust these next steps and I trust that you are with me through it all.” With concern on her face, my Doctor brought me into the room next door for further evaluation. Moments before in that exact room, I was hearing, “Congratulations,” confirming a couple’s healthy baby. I knew that I, being the next person to lie on that bed, would continue to get news that we weren’t going in the direction needed. This season has been exceptionally difficult, not only because the emotional pain, but because medically it took some time to actually close this particular devastating chapter. Days before we believed our physical journey of losing this baby had finally subsided. March 14th, exactly one month since we received our heartbreaking news, I was so unexpectedly having an emergency surgery to remove my left tube from an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured. That day was a whirlwind…“Nothing about her case has been “normal.” This has not been textbook,” were the words spoken to my family after the surgery. I credit my amazing doctor, nurses, and staff at Covenant, for saving my chances of still being able to carry our Rainbow Baby one day, and taking incredible care of me. I try to not be selfish, and remember that not just I have been going through this, but so has my husband. He is hurting for me, for us, for the desires of our heart to be parents. Our marriage has been strengthened and has taught me more in two months of heartbreak than almost two years of marriage.
It is so hard to believe in the goodness of God, when our circumstances are not. Friends, take heart because our God is SO good at being God. He is fighting the battle for us. Our job is to just be still, and obedient. He holds every tear in his hand and knows our every prayer. God is good EVEN IF my prayers aren’t answered right a way, EVEN IF I wont get to carry THIS baby in my arms. We are not alone in this battle. I am sharing to tell the woman that so desperately questions why this happens. I know exactly how much it hurts to hear about or open social media and see a new birth announcement, or the new baby posts. I hate this feeling and I am embarrassed to admit that those people have everything that I pray for, and I am insanely jealous. I cling to His promise and words most in these moments. We have chosen to praise God in this storm. We trust and believe we WILL have our sweet baby one day and he or she will be more loved than they could ever possibly fathom.
2 Corinthians 5:7